The institution of metaphor making should take responsibility for punishing makers of metaphor-less metaphors. And it should be the job of the metaphor maker’s union to propose and carry out laws against the making of metaphor-less metaphors. These makers of metaphor-less metaphors are criminals, we say, in the silence of our minds. But in their baseness these makers of metaphor-less metaphors justify their actions by saying that we want their metaphors, which are not actually metaphors. Of course, we do want their metaphor-less metaphors. But just because we want their metaphor-less metaphors does not mean that we actually want their metaphor-less metaphors. On the contrary, we want metaphors. And these makers of metaphor-less metaphors think that because we want and even enjoy their metaphor-less metaphors that this must mean that we actually want their metaphor-less metaphors. The public wants our metaphor-less metaphors, they say, all the while laughing at how they have fooled us into thinking that we actually want their metaphor-less metaphors. Of course, we do not want their metaphor-less metaphors, but when they speak of cake, which is not actually cake, they pronounce the words so clearly: Have a slice of cake, say these corrupt and fraudulent bakers. Have a slice of this moist and fresh, delicious butter-cream cake. How seduced we are by the clear sound of their words: Moist and fresh, delicious, butter-cream cake. Moist and fresh, delicious butter-cream cake. We try to resist the moistness and freshness of their delicious butter cream cakes, but when they pull out their shiny knives, and slice into their moist and fresh, delicious butter cream cakes, we become slaves to the cakelessness of their cakes. How delicious, we say, as we bite into their moist and fresh, delicious butter cream cakes. How delicious these butter cream cakes. We say these words so clearly, and as we savor the moistness and freshness of their delicious butter cream cakes, we believe in what we say. But the moment we leave the bakery we cannot help but chastise ourselves for enjoying their moist and fresh, delicious butter-cream cakes. These cake-less cakes, we scream, these gastronomic rejects. These cake-less cakes, we scream, these gastronomic rejects.
text by Daniel Borzutzky.